Talk sexy to me baby….

So yesterday on I was told about a website by the name of, well let’s call it “live sexy talk”. Theres hundreds of these sites around. I decided for blogging purposes only (lets call it research) to see what the ‘crack’ was with this site (this will be funny in a moment).

Now I’ve been out of the dating game for many years (happily so) so I’m not really down with the kids or the adults, or with anyone to be honest. I’m not even sure I like people in general.

I don’t know what’s ‘in’ these days! I’ve never used tinder or any other dating site. I don’t get my kicks from the internet none of that existed 100 years ago, when I was young and single before I met the Mister Carr. There were 0898 no’s, dirty adds in the newspaper and shit porn on dvds or vhs. I once ran up my mum and dads phone bill calling the 0898 no’s to see what they were! Holy shit was I in trouble! They were crap too!!

To be honest I wouldn’t have needed any of that crap I was a legend… or at least that’s how I remember it. I never had a problem getting a boyfriend it was keeping them that was my issue, bastards. I was a legend right up until daughter no1 came along…… Love you baby girl!!

Anyway back to the site. So I had a ‘chat’ with (If the picture was to be believed) a very stunning, in a tits out kinda way ‘young lady’ from Idle. Her opening statement was to tell me she’d found two men to have fun with. I thought you go girl! My single friends are always telling me there are no single dateable men and look at her bagging two men at once! I was about to say well done you when she proceeded to ask me if I wanted to LICK HER BUM… Well, I’ll be honest this was not what I was expecting! I thought that’s a bit forward young lady!

I mean is this what goes for sex talk these days? Have we completely skipped the romance or even just the basics? Are we now going straight for the bum hole? Wtf!! What an opening! Excuse the pun or not…

This got me thinking. Is this what men want? Is it what young women think men want? If the tables were turned and it was a guy on the other end of the convo would he have asked me if I wanted some bum licking action too? Cos I’ll be honest I don’t think a guy has ever initiated a conversation by asking me if I want to lick his ring. I genuinely wouldn’t know what to say.. I think I’d piss myself laughing. I have to say ‘laughing’ so it’s not misconstrued. I’m not incontinent yet even though I’m a bit old and it’s not a water-sports reference even though the title of the blog is sexy talk. So what actually constitutes sex talk these days? Apparently I’m fucked if I know.

I think I’m definitely getting old. I’d be made up if the chap on the other end opened with I’ll do your washing baby, then I’ll get it dry and put it away….. If he were to follow up with the words fresh bedding… now that’s sexy talk!!! I’m kidding of course but it would be fucking awesome!! I really do need to take the Christmas bedding off!

Anyway I was about to type I’ll take a rain check on that as its pretty unhygienic and I don’t know where your bum hole has been when the iPAD froze and told me it was locked for security reasons. Fuck! A mild panic ensued but after a quick google on my phone I found it was a scam! Imagine that! So problem fixed. What a naughty lady, not only did she want me to lick her bum she also wanted my login details and passwords!

At this point I decided to call it a day. I’d had my fill of the ‘sexy talk’ for one day. Also I didn’t want to fuck my tablet. I cleared the browsing history (yes women also know how to do this…) and got back to the cleaning… When I say cleaning I mean watching u-tube videos of cats doing funny shit.

So I thought this was amusing and had to share… Feel free to share your funny experiences or let me know what constitutes sexy talk for you? This is for the ladies I don’t wanna know the men’s. No offence!

P.S Does any one wanna……

Change my bedding?

Bahahahahahaha!!!

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