All for a bag of wood

How did this happen? At what point did I get old and more than a little crazy?

I’m currently sat in my car casing out Home Bargains like a fxxxxxx FBI agent… Why would I be doing this on a Sunday morning at the crack of dawn on the most sacred day of rest you may ask? Well I shall tell you! I decided this morning whilst feeling a little delicate that what I needed in my life was to clean the wood burner and welcome autumn in to our chilly home. With not a dry log in sight my clothes were thrown on (I look a state). Last nights party face rubbed off (we’ll more smeared around my face) and party hair scraped back. My given up on life jeggins stepped in to with self loathing and resolve not to eat the sausage sandwich I’ll be making later. I’m never going to see anyone I know at 10am in homes bargains though so that’s fine! The bag lady look is coming back in anyway I hear.

Gave myself a pat on the back for remembering to grab a bag of bags for the car boot!

Off I toddle feeling very proud of myself! Hit the shop dead on 10am… No wood. No probs I’ll have a little wander as I’ve spotted the delivery truck being un-loaded. I’ll just grab a basket (oh-oh).

I don’t know how it happened but £24 and two frying pans later I still have no wood. So whilst trying to ignore the really chirpy chappy who’s insisting on not only making eye contact with me but actually talking to me I’m told that their is wood but it won’t be unloaded yet. Come back at 12 I’m told grrrrrr!

Off to the car I go with my 10p carrier bag full of shit because yes I forgot to take a bag out of my bag of bags in with me. Standard!

So I’m sat in my car just about to set off when I see from the distance the coal being brought out. Well, I thinks to myself 12 o clock you say… Hmmm it’s not even 11 o clock yet so maybe I’ll just loiter here staring at the doors and wait for the wood as that’s not weird at all and neither is looking in strangers trolleys to see if they bought any wood. After waiting a good twenty minutes no avail I’m wondering if I should just come back at 12 o clock as I was told. It’s starting to feel a little weird.

The long and short of it was I finally gave in came home had a brew and trotted back to grab the much anticipated bags of wood! Could I see them? No could I buggery! After making a nervous young man go in the back and look for said wood you can imagine my disappointment in being told rather sheepishly that there was none today. At this point I may have turned in to my mother… Amidst much muttering, huffing and puffing as I left the store. I may have used the words useless fxxxxxx…

I did get the much anticipated wood from another store at twice the bloody price after making another chap go in the back to find it after being advised it’s really not the weather for it yet. By the time I got home I may have grudgingly agreed. The sun was bloody shining and it was a lovely warm day. I literally had sweat dripping down my hoody clad back just from carrying the bastard wood from the car to the kitchen.

Bollox to it I was having a fire!

Now I’m sat with a glass of much needed red, having cooked a Shepard’s pie, listening to radio 2 in front of a lovely fire… Roasting my non existent nuts off!

Cheers lovelies. Happy Sunday!


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